Hi!Funny or no?

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"


2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.


3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"


4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.


5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.


6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.


7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.


8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.


9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"


10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"


11. Meow occasionally.


12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.


13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.


14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.


15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.


16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"


17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.


18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.


19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.


20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."


21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."


22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.


24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

















People Really Said These Things In Court Q: What is your date of birth?


A: July fifteenth.


Q: What year?


A: Every year.





Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?


A: Yes.


Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


A: I forget.


Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?





Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?


A: Oral.





Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.


A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


Q: How long has he lived with you?


A: Forty-five years.





Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?


A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


Q: And why did that upset you?


A: My name is Susan.





Q: Sir, what is your IQ?


A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.





Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?


A: We both do.


Q: Voodoo?


A: We do.


Q: You do?


A: Yes, voodoo.





Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?





Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?





Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


A: Yes.


Q: And what were you doing at that time?





Q: She had three children, right?


A: Yes.


Q: How many were boys?


A: None.


Q: Were there any girls?





Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?


A: Yes.


Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?


A: I went to Europe, sir.


Q: And you took your new wife?





Q: How was your first marriage terminated?


A: By death.


Q: And by whose death was it terminated?





Q: Can you describe the individual?


A: He was about medium height and had a beard.


Q: Was this a male, or a female?





Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.





Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?


A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?


A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.








The Blonde %26amp; The Coke Machine It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.


And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"


And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"





Poor Old Man This old man goes to the doctor's.


"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."


"So what's the problem?"


"I can't remember where I live."





Blonde in a Car A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''


''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''


A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.





Daughter's Prayer A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"


"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.


"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.


Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"








Your Family Is So Poor Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”








Tooth Pulling A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.


The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."


"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."


The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."











Grass Eater A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.


"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.


"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.


"Oh, please come to my house!"


"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."


"Bring them along!" the rich man said.


They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."


The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"





You''re So Ugly You''re so ugly, when yo'' mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!





Pinocchio and Splinters One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.


"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"


"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.


"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your


"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"








Clinton, Bush, and Washington... Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.


As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''


George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''


And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''








Not Going To Try This Again A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.


She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.


Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.


She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.








Mini Meanie The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.


"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry,


I'll help you win."


"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.


When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"


"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.











Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."





Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"





Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."





That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.





The next morning he reported to his father.





Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."





Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"





Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."








The Deacon and the Preacher There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.


When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''


The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.


At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''


The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''








Too Smart A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.


The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"


Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?


Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.


Harry: "Bubble gum"


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"


Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Harry: "Firetruck"


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......





A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.





The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.





Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.





The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.





Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"








Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...





So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"





He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.





So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!





So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!





This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...


But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...











A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"





"Yes dear it does."





The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"





"Yes dear it does."





The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"





"No dear it's because you are 25."








A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.





Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.





The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"








Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.














I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......





* she called me to get my phone number.





* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."





* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.





*she tried to put M%26amp;M's in alphabetical order.





*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.





*she tried to drown a fish.





*she thought a quarterback was a refund.





*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.





*she tripped over a cordless phone.





*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.





*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.





*she studied for a blood test.





*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.





*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.





*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.





*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home





~~~~





Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.





Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"





Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.





When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".





Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.





After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.











A Blonde's Year in Review


January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!


March: Got really excited - finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... Box said "2-4 years!"


April: Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!


May: Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June: Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition... Learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!


August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm... Car swamped because soft-top was o pen.


September: The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?


October: I hate M %26amp;M's... They are so hard to peel.


November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... Instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!


December: Couldn't call 911... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

Hi!Funny or no?
Gosh! Love the first one! I can figure it out how to stand out from the crowd in elevator! LOL
Reply:HILARIOUS !!!!!!! I read that twice %26amp; cried from laughter! Those elevator jokes were the funniest part :) Report It

Reply:you should be charge 300 points for that mess
Reply:funny
Reply:That is the longest question I have seen so far! Excellent jokes! A star is born. Have a great day.
Reply:That was funny.
Reply:the elevator one was funny as hell
Reply:i dont know, i'm soo tired of reading it.....
Reply:not really funny when you have to read for ten minutes.
Reply:WOW!! THAT WAS WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! TOO LONG. YOU LOST ME AT #5 OF ELEVATOR JOKES. I HAVE TO SAY OKAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T FINISH AND BECAUSE I DIDN'T LIKE THE ELEVATOR JOKES AT ALL.
Reply:Those are HILARIOUS! Did you make them yourself? I you did, you are extremely talented.
Reply:Some are funny some are not. The 24 things to do in the elevator will get you thrown into a rubber room faster than a laugh.
Reply:yes they were funny! good job
Reply:Long, but so worth it. Most of them were hilarious.
Reply:not that funny........no sry!
Reply:A few of those I heard before, but the new ones were witty, funny and smart; they're just what I need to tell my friends tomorrow at the party of the season. My favorite new joke is the one with Washington, Bush and Clinton, it's like no joke I've ever heard before! E-mail me if you come up with more!


@-%26gt;--%26gt;-
Reply:Yes very funny:)
Reply:funny :)))))))~
Reply:It was funny. It was too long. I've got over 100 pages of jokes. I wouldn't dream of subjecting someone to them all at once.
Reply:really funny..lol..but i got very tired of reading it..
Reply:some were very funny i really liked the son asking his father about politics
Reply:I had seen some of them before, but still funny. WAY too much on one page, though.
Reply:I'm sorry, but this was way waaaay tooo long...my eyes started bleeding after the 9th "funny to do in the elevator" which, btw, wasn't very funny at all.








So no, I'd have to say, in answer to your question "NO, NOT FUNNY".