Why won't her family get past me hitting my wife... ONE TIME?

Yes, I am a professional (dentist). Yes, I drink. Yes, I did hit my wife ONE TIME. Yes, I felt terrible. Yes, she left for 3 days and told her family. Yes, I pleaded for her to come back. Yes, I did get a DUI after she came back. No, I haven't hit her and I NEVER again will. Yes, it was the biggest mistake of my life.





I have made my apologies... why won't her family see past this. I have a doctorate for crying out loud. I'm not some uneducated schmuck on the street who hits women for the fun of it. I don't know what more I can do. They are no longer trusting of me at all and they encourage my wife to leave me still. This was weeks ago. What can be done?

Why won't her family get past me hitting my wife... ONE TIME?
Wow...I'm of the belief that even one time is NEVER a "mistake"....we all have the ability to control our actions and our anger...and there's NEVER an excuse for hitting one's wife....NEVER. You say "only one time" like that's okay ? Like it justifies it ? Like it's not your fault ? Like she deserved it ? Let's see...I'm lower middle class schmuck...but I've NEVER laid a hand on my wife except to hug or hold her or in some other act of love...but you're still better than me because you have a doctorate for crying out loud ?!?!?!? I think you're a low-life wife beater who deserves to be in prison for assault....but I'm an uneducated schmuck without a doctorate...guess I can't make that assessment, huh ?





I don't blame her family for being mad- I would be too. I'd forgive, yes, but there's a much longer road of recovery after forgiveness takes place...you can't expect it over night- it could literally take years.





You need therapy for this and maybe...just maybe your wife will eventually see you are sincere (if you are) and start to trust you again.





I put spousal abuse right on par with adultery/an affair. It's a conscious act and it never "just happens". Wife beaters are one of the worst type of people there are...and if you did it once, you obviously have a problem- what's to say you won't do it again ?





Am I being harsh ? You bet I am- you deserve it....and you DON'T deserve your wife...you better start begging and pleading and hope that she'll give you another chance...you don't deserve it though, and she'd be totally justified to leave you. Do you have kids ? Do/would you hit them too ?





Anyway, I'm off my soap box...sorry, but this is a touchy subject with me...





I do hope you are truly sorry though- I have to at least give you props for admitting publicly that you made a big mistake- that's at least a step in the right direction...unless you're just feeling sorry for yourself, which will make you a bigger loser than you already are....beat the wife and blame her for it- typical of that mindset.





Where are you a dentist at ? Let us all know so we can be sure to avoid your practice.





Have a blessed weekend....and tell your wife the same :-)
Reply:trust isn't a gimme, it takes time.





Anger is dangerous if left uncontrolled.
Reply:I hope you learned from your mistake.


You can have any Ph.D, doctorate thing, whatever, as long as you don't have the right feelings, then school won't help for this.





Go with your wife and set up a family reunion. Be serious, tell everything you feel. And stop drinking too much. This can worse the situation. Best of luck, hope you learned and if you have honest feelings hope the family %26amp; wife sees that.
Reply:You did it wifebeater. Your loss. Don't hit your wife loser.
Reply:Wow, only "weeks ago" and you're shocked that you haven't earned their trust and respect back?





You screwed up. You need to prove to your wife and her family that you know you screwed up and that you're sorry you screwed up and that it won't happen again.





And that takes more than a few weeks. Trust is easily shattered, but hard to rebuild.





The fact that you still drink and have a DUI after she came back says, to me, that you haven't changed as much as you'd like some others to believe.
Reply:every man says it happened once and it will NEVER happen again, but you never truly know. im only 16 and i have been in 4 abusive relationships, they said sorry and they would never do it again after they did for the first time one sent me to the hospital and one almost put me in my grave so her family is just really pretective of her. you cant predit the future. try to stop drinking and maybe minds will change. good luck.
Reply:arrogant, abusive, drunk, criminal, that blames everyone else --- can't imagine what their problem is.





Why don't you try looking at yourself instead of blaming everyone else and realize that when your little girl is with an arrogant, abusive, drunk, criminal, that blames everyone else --- it may take more than a few weeks and words of apology to get past it.





Oh yeah and by the way no one cares about your stupid doctorate when your little girl is with an arrogant, abusive, drunk, criminal, that blames everyone else --- rather she was with an uneducated, caring, responsible, loving man.





What is wrong with you that you think that matters one iota in this situation.
Reply:Go get counseling for your alcohol abuse and domestic violence issues.





This usually isn't something that happens out of the blue once and never again. I would be willing to bet that there is a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse, and you are using your "doctorate professional" BS to make her feel stupid and wrong in comparison and control her.





Maybe after you take this seriously enough to admit you need help you can gradually regain her and her family's trust.





Weeks is not NEARLY long enough for them to just "get past this". You will be digging out of this hole for years to come, if you ever can. Best be ready to do some sincerely contrite groveling.
Reply:They love her. They don't hit her. Apologies are not enough. If you really mean it -- get some counseling. Go the extra mile and make the extra effort.





Your education and earning potential have NOTHING to do with having an abusive personality or a drinking problem.
Reply:We all learned in kindergarten not to hit each other are you getting therapy? are you still drinking? how long would it take you to trust someone again who betrayed you? You are an educated man of course oh and violence has no boundary's
Reply:It's because you are an educated schmuck who hits his wife for whatever reason. Doctorate or not if you hit my daughter the only place she'd see you three days later is the hospital or the funeral home. If the worst thing that happened to you is that your in-laws don't trust then I think you got off lucky.
Reply:Big deal that you have a doctorate....education doesn't come into play when you are talking about physical abuse....You hit your wife...and her family may or may not forgive you....There is NEVER any justification for hitting another....unless you are defending yourself....Perhaps you should seek treatment for your alcohol problem...which could be the ultimate reason for you bad choices...
Reply:I think you should make a public apology to her and her family while everyone is there, let them voice their opinions and concerns and stop drinking !
Reply:The reason that her family won't let this go is because you harmed their child (I'm assuming that her parents are the ones that are upset). Imagine how you'd feel if your daughter was married to someone that you really loved and then he hit her. Wouldn't that upset you? Wouldn't that make you mad? Would you forgive him for hitting her???





I agree with the other person who posted -- trust is something that is earned, not just given. Just because you have a doctorate doesn't make you any better than the drunk down the street that beats his wife daily.





What is important is that you get some help if you have an anger problem that is compounded by your drinking. It's never acceptable for a man to hit a woman - NEVER. It takes a REAL man to be able to walk away from a situation where physical punishment might happen.





I guess my whole point is this -- does your wife believe you when you tell her that it will never happen again? Do YOU believe it when you say that to her? Obviously you should be on your best behavior and win her trust back. Otherwise, you may be tempted to do so again if you fight again and then you're back to square one... most likely without a wife, because if she's smart, she'll leave and not look back.





Good luck to both of you.
Reply:I see a lot of good answers here, but just to throw in my 2 cents' worth...





Your education may help you get a good job, but I don't understand why you think it has anything to do with whether your wife's family should trust you.





You may be sincere in your apology, but you must realize that "I'm sorry and it will never happen again," is the oldest line in the book. That's what almost all abusers say later after they hit someone the first time...and the second time...and the twentieth time. That's why they are not going to believe you until they have good solid evidence to believe that it really was the one and only time.





Of course you're not giving them that evidence. Getting a DUI is not normal; it's evidence of a drinking problem that you don't seem to be doing anything about.





And finally...good grief...it's only been weeks! Try years!





What can be done: Get psychological help. Stop drinking (not a drop) because you can't handle alcohol. And be nice to your wife and be grateful for your second chance.
Reply:This is NOT about the type of degree you got in school %26amp; NO ONE CARES whether you are a dentist, a doctor or Tim Buck Two! you can be the richest man on earth for all I care. HITTING YOUR WIFE or any body for that matter is wrong %26amp; it's a sign of ABUSE.....DOMESTIC ABUSE, once, twice, no matter how many times you did it does not matter. The point is that you hit her. Bottom line is that: You are lucky she didn't call the cops on you after you hit her. I don't blame her family for not forgiving you on this. Your behavior is a bad sign. If you are as smart as you say you are with the books, then why aren't you smart enough to know that beating your wife is not only illegal but also makes you a MONSTER. She deserves to be with a man who will treat her with respect. You don't fall into that category "Mr. I'm a big shot dentist". Your no better than anyone else.





GO TO HELL!
Reply:Hi Jack, Perhaps time will tell however here are some points to consider:





*they might not want her to go back because you drink - and that you've hit her. The drinking part must stop. If you got help to stop, maybe that would really help.





*they may not see enough changed behavior over a period of time. They may not see that you have "repented."





*have you apologized to her family?





*spousal abuse comes in all colors and educated backgrounds. Sorry to say, but your degree does not make you immune to life's issues.





*unfortunately, statistics show that once a man hits a woman, it's likely to continue - esp with the combination of alcohol.





*Try therapy immediately without her then with her or a combo. Let her family know you are doing this.





I think you are going to get all kinds of strange answers to your question. Trust in God that you will find the right path for your life which I'm sure does not include abuse of alcohol or your wife.
Reply:Ultimately, this is between your wife and yourself, so it´s between you and her to solve this problem. Now, I don´t think they (the family) will trust you anytime soon. This is the kind of problem that only could be solved with time and patience. Maybe some councelling will help, to both you and your wife, sometimes it helps to get past the problems.


About her family, imagine you have a daughter and she has this husband who hits her, doesn´t matter if only once, wouldn´t you advice her to leave her? It´s logical.


The thing you did, you made it for a reason, it´s not normal to hit anyone, so get some counselling before it gets worse, specially if you get violent (even when you don´t hit anyone) if you drink. That could get you into more troubles.


Good luck, sincerely hope your problem solves promptly.
Reply:Rome not built in a day. U betrayed their trust before. They trust you to let you take care of their daughter/sister/family member but with a mistake, you spoilt the trust they built. Give them some time. If you working hard enough to make them believe in you again, sooner or later they will realise that you regret with what you did and you deserve a 2nd chance. But you must prepare yourself because it take time and hardwork from you side. Do not give up. It Is not just to proof to them only that you are not that bad but it is also for yourself. Proof to yourself that you are a real man, a man that know a mistake when he did one and will never repeat the same mistake, a real man that can take care of his woman not hurting them.
Reply:i have more of a problem with your attitude about "some uneducated schmuck" than the fact that you hit your girlfriend. Just because you have an education does not mean you you are intelligent. Don't put yourself on a pedestal. You hit your wife and also drove drunk? Sounds like you need help!
Reply:my first husband hit me....ONCE...he got drunk, just like you, cold ****** me for no real reason - I put him in jail and got divorced.





It doesn't matter if it was "only once" you still hit her - they don't ever HAVE to look past it - what you did was UNFORGIVEABLE in their opinion, and guess what - they are ENTITLED to have that opinion.





You would think someone with your education would have been smart enough to not get so drunk you lose your sense and would know to keep his hands to himself.





stop acting like you are the victim here - you are going to be apologizing for a long time, and then when she tells you to stop apologizing, you will have to start apologizing for apologizing.





that is IF she stays...you don't deserve her...
Reply:when you are really honest with your apology is when things will change you can say it write it a million times until you are real it wont work.seek help sir.
Reply:Well, unfortanately the damage has been done. I don't know if you have kids, I don't, but if you did how accepting would you be with a man hitting your daughter? The alcohol is affecting your life now in very negative ways. I don't know that anything can be done about it. You don't seem to be very happy if you have to keep drinking to get through life. I know being a doctor is very demanding, I work with them, but you really need to get some help before you even think of rebuilding the trust with her or her family. If you loved her really, you would be the one to leave for a while and get yourself straightened out just in the event you get violent again. You can't trust yourself really now can you? You are still drinking. You don't have as much control as you think. Go to A.A. before you destroy everything you've worked so hard for. Good luck.
Reply:Give it time %26amp; it'll settle down.





I'll bet that when you smacked her up, you were soused and were arguing. But arguing about what, your drinking?





My advise - STOP DRINKING!!!





And as to your degree(s), those don't mean a damned thing. I've met a LOT of uneducated schmucks who don't go hitting their wives, so how does having a doctorate make you better? I fail to see your logic.
Reply:I am assuming that you were drunk when you hit her.





Quit drinking





She is their little girl forever and they are worried for her safety. You broke a major trust and only time will heal that but until you quit drinking they wont trust you and why would you trust yourself? You lost control and now are unpredictable in their eyes.





Being a professional doesn't mean anything. Your actions speak louder than words. You got a DUI since then and that shows that you are not willing to admit that you have a problem. What is it going to take to prove that to you?





If I were in her shoes, you would never see me again but, if she is willing to give you a second chance you better make every effort to prove to her that she made the right choice. GET HELP!





I'm not trying to be a witch but if you truely want her family to get over this then you better give them a damn good reason to. If you keep drinking it is only a matter of time and she will leave for good.





You may find this book helpful:





Boundaries - When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Reply:You are not going to regain their trust or hers over night. Have you signed up and are you going to AAA. And secondly are you getting help for your anger management?





These are some things a person should be doing if they are serious about changing but it also has to be your choice, otherwise its worthless.





I think her family should be there for her, but I don't believe they should be encouraging her to leave you. I suspect this may be the first time you have hit her, but probably not the first time you have had a problem with drinking. Not knowing the whole of the situation, it's difficult to give a good answer.





But if you have a problem until you can get it under control it might be better for you and her if you separated for awhile until you can get a handle on it. Separation does not mean divorce, and since you are a professional, surely you can see where this may be beneficial for both of you. But I believe that if you go that course you move out, so she does not have to move in with her family and have them influence her decision; be responsible and help her financially especially if children are involved. And discuss this with her as you two need to work this out. Not you and her family. They can be supportive without influencing her and you can convey that to her. But if she is going to allow her family to make her decisions for her, then it will be VERY difficult for either of you to get past this.





But first you need to work on yourself and once you have that under control you both as a couple need to get some counseling.





Since you are a professional, you might consider going to another community for privacy. For your AAA, Anger Management and later counseling as a couple
Reply:Well, hitting your wife or husband, even once is one too many times. It shouldn't have happened. What her family wants is for her to be safe and at this point in time, and probably for some time to come they will feel that if you were able to do this once then you have it in you to do it again and so while ever she is with you, she won't be safe.





The difference between your wife forgiving you and her family not, is that your wife loves you. Her family can see past any love she has for you and can see that there is major problem there.





The fact that you have a doctorate will no more prevent you from hitting your wife again than it will stop you being the victim of a natural disaster. Why did you hit your wife? How can you know that if the reason you hit your wife that one time occurred again that you would not be inclined to do it again?





If you have an alcohol problem and particularly if it was one of the mitigating factors behind the situation of hitting your wife, then you need to stop drinking completely.


If you want her family to trust you, then you need to eliminate anything that could cause this to happen again. Trust is a long road once it is lost and the only thing that will get you to your destination is by showing true remorse and exhibiting behavior that shows that you are doing everything in your power to ensure such a thing never happens again.





It will take longer than a few short weeks to regain their trust and a lot more than a few words from you. Actions speak louder than words.





What you need to ask yourself is this. "If someone was to hit my daughter in a rage, how quickly would I jump to forgive them? Would I immediately trust that they would never do it again, just because they said they wouldn't?" Be honest with yourself. If my daughter was in a relationship and her husband hit her, I would probably be advising her to leave as well. I would be feeling very non trusting of her partner and it would take some pretty drastic changes to get me to forgive or trust them again, if that was at all possible.





Put yourself in their shoes and see what they are feeling. You can only show them that you can be trusted. You cannot tell them that you are.





I wish you luck and strength.
Reply:The reason your wife's family won't get over you hitting your wife is because....wait for it....you hit your wife.





They are obviously people who care about her well being and you went and caused her physical pain.





And you said it yourself...you are a professional educated person. Although spousal abuse happens across all social rankings, you should know better because you are so educated Mr. Doctorate.





Instead of saying "poor me, they are all so mean to me because I hit my wife one time," maybe you should just sit there and suck it up. Take the consequences like a man and try to earn their trust slowly. And trust me...it will be a VERY slow process. In the mean time you should think about what you did and if you would forgive someone so quickly if they beat the tar out of your sister or your mom.
Reply:what needs to be done is that you need to get into some therapy. feeling terrible is not enough. if you lost control and struck your wife once, there is a high probability that you could do it again.





what disturbs me is that you say "i have a doctorate, for crying out loud"...as if being educated is in some way a prerequisite for good behavior. you'd be surprised how many educated people are abusive toward their mates, women as well as men. you said you got a DUI after the incident. and you say that you got it after she came back. you still have a problem and you need to get the proper help to overcome it.





people who strike out in anger against others are out of control, immature, and lack the skills needed to deal with situations such as you came to be in. one should never hit another person, unless it is in self defense. if i may come to your defense for a moment, i don't know all the details of your situation. you didn't say that you had a fight with her and she hit you. that would make a slight difference. i come from the school of men should not hit women. however, i don't condone women hitting men. had that problem with the little girls in my neighborhood hitting my sons once upon a time. they came knocking on my door to tell me that my son hit them. i calmly told them that i don't believe boys should hit girls, but that if they kept hitting my sons, and my sons would do everything in their power to avoid hitting them back, they would get hit back. it's self defense. i don't think that a man who is being attacked by anyone should stand helplessly and let someone beat them upside the head.





at any rate, getting back to the assumption that your wife didn't hit you...i don't know what to tell you. i know of too many situations in which a man has hit his wife and then shows remorse, promising never to do it again, and then doing it again, apologizing, etc. i don't know if this would be the case with you. my biggest concern with you has to do with your putting yourself above so-called uneducated persons. i don't care how much education you have. obviously, somewhere down the road you missed something.





don't know what else to say except that it's going to take more than an apology and a promise never to hit again. you went out and got drunk and got behind the wheel of a car. you could have killed someone. does that sound like something that an educated person would do?





get yourself together or you may lose you wife and not learn anything in the process. i hope you look inward and humble yourself and recognize your shortcomings and get some help. come down off that high horse of yours before it's too late...i wish you all the best
Reply:Just because you're educated, doesn't mean that you're not abusive! Sounds like you weren't serious about treating her good, since you continue to drink. And just because you haven't hit her doesn't mean you treat her good. bet you are verbally abusive as well. IYou will never have a good relationship unless you get help for your drinking, she knows it and so do her parents.
Reply:You are arrogant and an abusive jerk...look buddy, you beat your wife....you have a lot of work ahead of you...but you don't care about her nor do you love her- so suffice it to say, you won't put much effort into restoring what little marriage you have left.





Let me ask- why did you hit her ?