Why won't her family get past me hitting my wife... ONE TIME?

Yes, I am a professional (dentist). Yes, I drink. Yes, I did hit my wife ONE TIME. Yes, I felt terrible. Yes, she left for 3 days and told her family. Yes, I pleaded for her to come back. Yes, I did get a DUI after she came back. No, I haven't hit her and I NEVER again will. Yes, it was the biggest mistake of my life.





I have made my apologies... why won't her family see past this. I have a doctorate for crying out loud. I'm not some uneducated schmuck on the street who hits women for the fun of it. I don't know what more I can do. They are no longer trusting of me at all and they encourage my wife to leave me still. This was weeks ago. What can be done?

Why won't her family get past me hitting my wife... ONE TIME?
Once was one time too many...
Reply:I would kick your *** real good first and then forgive you.
Reply:Do all you can to make it up to your wife. What she thinks of you is more important than what anybody else thinks.








Edit: Thumbed down for preaching reconciliation? It's a strange world...





A virtual lynching is in progess here...
Reply:your drinking is the root of the problem. once you start to deal with that, then you can move forward. your doctorate does not exempt you from alcoholism.
Reply:well maybe it's because your an alcoholic, abusive, classist, jerk... but that's just my guess given the only information that I have is what you wrote here...
Reply:They shouldn't see passed it and neither should your wife. She should have stayed gone. You've obviously got alcohol problems and should seek treatment.
Reply:Your education doesn't matter....imagine someone hitting hour daughter, sister, etc...you'd have trouble forgiving/forgetting, too.





The only thing you can do is stick to it for the long-term...own what you did, and live the "It won't happen again" attitude you have here...giving up one of the things that you think might have contributed might help show them you are serious...
Reply:i can't really offer you anything other than this:





her family has the right to be afraid for your wife. the only way you will gain their trust is to prove, over years, that you will not hit her again.





and your education doesn't matter. it means nothing. your ability to control yourself isn't higher because you have a doctorate.





i suggest AA for you, Al-Anon for your wife, and time for her family.
Reply:All you can hope for is that, in time they will forgive you. Don't expect forgiveness within a week. You should promise them you will NEVER drink again, and if you don't want to - you shouldn't be wondering why you haven't been forgiven yet.
Reply:You F@#$%%26amp; up and deserve to be punished for it. you have lost all credibility. your doctorate doesn't mean you're not a douchebag. you are human and make mistakes ,you feel bad about that and that is rightly so,


You have to do damn well in order to make right . have funn douchebag
Reply:Because it ALWAYS happens again. It's NEVER just one time!
Reply:The only way you'll learn from this is for her to divorce you and for you to find another woman. I'm with the parents on this one.
Reply:my husband hit me once too, and it is hard to get past- and the fear of it happening again is hard. But you do sound sincere so I guess that is something that will take time - how long has it been? Trust needs to be rebuilt, and that takes a while. Also, I would gently advise that you stop drinking - not only for your family's sake, your wife's ability to trust you again, but also for your health. take care.
Reply:It's interesting that you are using your job and education as an excuse, as if what you did would be worse if you were uneducated.


I feel bad for the situation you are in, but in reality I cannot say I blame her family... even though it was only once, hitting a woman (or a child for that matter) is something that, to most people, is about as bad as it gets.
Reply:Weeks ago? Wow, you are reformed, I would trust you with my daughters.... NOT. And gee wiz, you've made your apologies, that changes things... NOT





Get anger management, couples counciling, and stop drinking...Man up. you sound like a whinny assed *****





I thought for a second that I was being too harsh, but then I read Justin's answer and decided that I am not being harsh enough, I second What Justin Said...





But let me take it all back if she stabbed you before you hit her, or if she kicked you in the balls BEFORE you hit her..
Reply:You are branded for life. Welcome to the club.
Reply:Maybe you are too egotistical for them?
Reply:Having a doctoroate has nothing to do with the situation. You hit your wife in a fit of rage. Whose to say you wont do it again. They are probably basing this off the fact that most men who hit there wives/gilfriends plead for them to come back and promise to never hit her again, and then they do. Whose to say that you two will never fight again, what if the next fight is a bigger,badder, and more emotional than the one that led you to hit her? What if she begins hitting you? Do you have enough self control to not hit her back? These are the questions going through their minds right now. Her family is her support system and will probably never see past this, they are concerned for her safety which is why their encouraging her to leave you.
Reply:You are lucky you are not married to my daughter. I guess I should have said that you are really lucky you are not married to my daughter.
Reply:Open your eyes.


"One time" actually means "the first time".


Her family knows this; everyone here knows this; if your wife is honest with herself, then she knows it too.


Stop fooling yourself. If she decides to leave, stand still and let her go without a fight. Don't drag her down with you.
Reply:Let's not confuse your profession with your actions; they have nothing to do with each other. I'm sure there are lots of "uneducated schmucks on the street" that exercise self control. For an 'educated person' you make pretty uneducated remarks about people.





Go sign up for some self help course; that as a first step would show your wife and her family that you are indeed trying to change your ways.





Talk is cheap and actions speak more than words.





Perhaps consider laying off the booze too.





Good luck
Reply:Nobody hits their wife just once. They do it again, and say they're sorry again, and it blows hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I cannot endorse violence but if I was your brother in law I would probably beat the crap out of your head with the lid of a trash can like James Caan in the Godfather. You say it happened weeks ago. It's going to take at least ten years for her family to get past this, if ever. And what's having a doctorate got to do with it? Josef Mengele and Harold Shipman had doctorates as well.





You're going to hit your wife again one day and then later you'll hit her again, until she leaves you, and then you'll hit another woman instead. I know your type back to front. The only other option is to give up on the relationship, accept that you're a despicable thug, and then either get counselling or kill yourself.
Reply:that is hard but as long as you wife forgives you and that you mean what you say, that is what is important





as a child my stepfather pushed my mother once and she threw a 9 inch cast iron pan at him across a large table, it was air born and hit him, and yes he was drunk and even drunk after that he never ever tried that again, and yes he was every sorry in more than one way. However my sister was 7 and it was not until she was an adult that she forgave him for that night, memories are a hard thing to fight, oh and i forgave him when my mother did later that night.
Reply:First off, actions speak louder than words....your "smart" you should know this. Get yourself into therapy....get yourself into AA....get you and your wife into marriage counseling. Start physically showing how sorry you are instead of bitching and moaning about her family that is worried about her safety. Have you DONE anything to change your ways since she has come back? If not, get going!!
Reply:Hi,


It sounds to me as your drinking is causing you problems. Education has nothing to do with this situation. An apology is not a cure. Statistics show that if you did it once you will do it again. There is a way for you which involves a tremendous amount of self introspection. Diagnose the problem, seek treatment and heal thyself first. I hear you crying out loud.
Reply:don't never say never,and go get help with your temper.and you alcohol problem before you really do loose your wife if you really love her you will make changes in your life so the both of you can get on with your lives together.
Reply:It is such a deep violation of trust when a man, who is stronger hits his wife. It is very hard for her or her loved ones to trust you again because statistically, most abusers don't just do it once.





Your education didn't stop you from using an uneducated approach to solving a problem did it? Do you still drink? If so, what makes you think you can promise how you will behave under the influence? Addictions spiral downwards unless you get sober AND into recovery.





I do think it is possible for someone to stop hitting if he/she gets help and HUMBLY admits their need for this help. If this person gets a sponsor, works all steps of the program, THEN I would be very likely to believe he could stop......





BUT THE REALITY IS THAT I WOULD STILL CRINGE WHEN YOU CLENCHED YOUR FISTS IN AN ARGUMENT!





Being HIT is very humiliating, de-humanizing and very damaging. You did this to a person who is smaller than you.





BY THE WAY: I would say the same thing to a woman who hit her spouse, the exact same things!!!!!
Reply:Just because you have a doctorate doesn't make you an amazing person and it doesn't make your choices right. Its a piece of paper. .so what's more important, that piece of paper or your morals by which you live your life?





Clearly, if you want to show to her and her family that you are changing then maybe you should start by stopping the drinking. That's not helping anything. Neither is the DUI charge. If you're looking for self motivation, start by looking in the mirror.





You said, "I have a doctorate for crying out loud. I'm not some uneducated schmuck on the street who hits women for the fun of it." Well, clearly, from their point of view, that's what you act like. Prove to them that you can straighten up and act like an adult.





Honestly, that's about all you can do. Try to rebuild burnt bridges because it all comes down to your wife's decision and her family's influence. Mistakes suck -- Mainly because sometimes it only takes one to screw up everything.
Reply:You think having a doctorate makes a difference in a situation like this? Please, I'd love for you to explain to me why.





ONE TIME usually turns into a cycle of violence. Her family is trying to protect her. Most men don't hit women just "for the fun of it". If you are so educated, you should realize that.
Reply:I have to agree. Your education doesn't matter in this case.





It does sound like you're trying to make amends. Keep at it, and get whatever help you need to quit drinking, if that was a factor in the incident. It will probably take a helluva lot longer than a few weeks for them to trust you again.





If you are serious about making amends, put down the bottle and get help. That would make it clear more than anything, I think, that you are willing to do everything in your power to prevent it from ever happening again.
Reply:Hi Jack





Do you think you might try *not* drinking? It sounds like you have a little problem in that area. If you are drinking a fair amount, and if you tend to get short-tempered when you drink, then she and her family might be justified in their concern.





It's always easy to promise not to do it again, but it can be very difficult to regain the trust that you have violated. There will not be any 'quick fix', just a long and tender restitution.





I hope this helps.


Dave

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